Cooperation Begins with Trust

Category Archives: Toddlers 12- 36 months

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How To Transform Criticism And Bring Out the Best in Your Child

How To Transform Criticism And Bring Out the Best in Your Child

The best praise is focused on your child’s effort, not your child’s traits.

The same is true of criticism.

In one study by Columbia University researchers, kindergarteners were given a scenario: a teacher asks them to create a house out of Legos, and they forget to put in windows. Then the teacher and child role-play what happens next, using dolls and speaking for them. (Researchers sometimes use this approach because young children readily imagine and insert themselves into role-playing scenarios.) Playing the part of her doll, the teacher says, “The house has no windows,” and gives one of the following three criticisms.

Person criticism: “I’m disappointed in you.”

Outcome criticism: “That’s not the right way to do it, because the blocks are not straightened up and are still messy.”

Process criticism: “Maybe you could think of another way to do it.”

Researchers, led by Melissa Kamins and Carol Dweck, then assessed the children’s feelings of self-worth: the extent to which the children felt smart, good, nice, and competent. The children rated their mood, and rated the house as a product.

Criticizing character hurts self-worth, mood, persistence

Children given person criticism rated themselves lower in self-worth, had a more negative mood, were less persistent, and were more likely to view this one instance of less-than-stellar performance as a reflection of their character (a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset).

Children given process criticism had far more positive ratings in every category, while the ratings by children given outcome criticism landed somewhere in the middle.

The children were asked to keep role-playing: “What happens next?” The answers of the children given person criticism are a little bit heartbreaking:

“She should cry and go to bed.”
“The teacher got mad and went home.”
“He should get a time-out.”

The answers of the children given process criticism?

“I can do it again better if I take my time.”
“I’ll take it apart and put it together again with windows.”
“I would say it’s not finished yet, then I could cut out squares from paper and paste them onto the house.”

Dang, right?

You can hear the growth mindset vs. the fixed mindset.

What to say

My book, Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science is all about simple ways to apply the research that’s relevant to parenting. So in it I give ways to criticize the process rather than the person:

  • “What do you think happened here?”
  • “What should we do differently next time?”
  • “Can you think of a better way to do it?”

This kind of thoughtful approach has been useful to me even when I’m not building Lego houses with my daughter. Such questions help me give her space to figure things out on her own — and eventually help teach her to evaluate her performance or her assumptions on her own.

That’s partly what growth mindset is about, and it’s made such a big difference in my life that I created a quick course to share it with you: “How to raise a confident kid with a growth mindset.”

“What’s another way you could do that?” I’ve asked when my toddler can’t snap the strap of her favorite overalls because the hook has gotten turned around. Or when “her” bag keeps falling off her shoulder because it’s actually my bag.

When she gets distracted and spills her snack cup of raisins and nuts all over the floor, “What could you do differently next time?” reminds me to see exasperating moments as teaching opportunities instead.

Admittedly, the time I asked “What do you think happened here?” it wasn’t out of genuine curiosity or a teaching spirit. One day, during a long stretch of nap struggles, I walked into my toddler’s room to find her wreaking havoc instead of sleeping. Frustrated, I said, “Why did you take off your diaper?! Why did you make a big mess in your room?! Why aren’t you sleeping?!” She replied happily with a line from The Lorax by Dr. Seuss: “I don’t hopefully know.”

I didn’t get a satisfying answer from my line of questioning, but I did get a laugh.

That improved my mood and mindset, right along with my kid’s.

Tracy Cutchlow is the author of the international bestseller Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science. Parents magazine called it “the coolest–and easiest–book for new parents.” You can get Tracy’s free audio book at www.zerotofive.net.

Discipline When Young Children Become Aggressive

Discipline When Young Children Become Aggressive

 Aggressive toddlers and preschoolers need your guidance when they act in aggressive and other unhelpful ways. It’s quite normal for toddlers and preschoolers to struggle with aggression. When your child acts aggressively it is typically a sign that she is feeling upset, scared or overwhelmed. Aggression can also be a sign that your child has… Continue Reading

Why Timeouts Make Tantrums And Power Struggles Worse (And What To Do Instead)

Why Timeouts Make Tantrums And Power Struggles Worse (And What To Do Instead)

A parent wrote in recently asking why timeouts are making her daughters behavior worse instead of better. She shares: I have a 3 year old daughter that throws the biggest tantrums whenever i simply say no or disagree with her. She has picked up negative behaviors to calm herself. Such as slamming doors and using aggression.… Continue Reading

How To Help Siblings Stop Fighting and Start Getting Along

How To Help Siblings Stop Fighting and Start Getting Along

“You are being mean!” said my son. His face filled with disappointment. “I’m never sharing my truck with you ever again.” He added, walking away with a deep sigh. I had been listening to my son and daughter. It was a small conflict, yet big feelings were involved.   They were struggling to play together.… Continue Reading

The Most Powerful And Punishment Free Way To Better Behavior

The Most Powerful And Punishment Free Way To Better Behavior

Discipline that teaches your child’s heart and mind at the same time. When my son was four years old, he was sweet, funny and quite mischievous. Just a moment unsupervised and something was likely to get opened, spilled or broken. Most days my son was content to play with his toys, in the garden or… Continue Reading

What To Do When Consequences Don’t Work

What To Do When Consequences Don’t Work

Three Parenting Strategies To Try when Consequences Stop Working and your Child is Misbehaving Does this scenario feel familiar? It’s getting close to the end of the day, and you are expecting your child to clean up toys, wash up, help set the table, get ready for bed and go to sleep. Only problem is,… Continue Reading

Positive Parenting: What Really Helps Children During Tantrums

Positive Parenting: What Really Helps Children During Tantrums

Children have tantrums. It’s practically inevitable. Even if you set out to parent in a kind and connected way, tantrums can happen. They happen because tantrums are a sign of emotional overload. Tantrums are a request for loving guidance. Tantrums are emotional outbursts. During a tantrum a child may meltdown, cry and scream. Sometimes children… Continue Reading

Essentials for Parenting Stubborn and Determined Children

Essentials for Parenting Stubborn and Determined Children

Positive parenting is not about keeping our children happy 100% of the time or giving in to every demand or bending the earth to suit our child’s desires. However, it is important that we pay attention and strike a balance between the needs of the child, the family and our own. When everyone’s needs and feelings are being considered, and cooperation and communication are the focus instead of commands, demands and high expectation, parents and children can really find wonderful harmony. Continue Reading

How To Stop Toddler Defiance with Positive Guidance

How To Stop Toddler Defiance with Positive Guidance

Defiant toddlers are often mislabeled as having a behavior problem.  In most cases, toddler defiance is actually just a sign of healthy development. Toddlers that like to say NO and “put their foot down” are not only developing well, they are actively exploring their emotional intelligence. Positive guidance can help toddlers grow well and thrive.  Mauren Healy, author… Continue Reading

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