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Using Consequences To Change Behavior: Sometimes It’s Not the Right Choice

Using Consequences To Change Behavior: Sometimes It’s Not the Right Choice
Changing misbehavior with consequences doesn't always lead to good behavior. Learn about positive discipline and how it helps children learn life skills and behave well.

Late in the afternoon, on the way home from school, my son took hold of my hand and started talking softly. He spoke so quietly, I could tell something unusual was going on.

“I got kicked in the back at recess mom. It hurt.” he said looking to the ground.

That’s when my mind started racing.

“Oh my! did the teachers see this…he’s walking ok,I guess it’s not serious…?! Maybe it’s bruised…Ugh…why did this happen in the first place…”

Realizing this wasn’t helpful at all, I quieted my mind just in time to hear “actually it started because I pushed him away mom.”

As I took in my son’s words, I noticed he was smiling. It wasn’t a mischievous or a nervous smile. Rather a sweet, trusting and hopeful smile.

Our eyes met and instantly my son’s smile was replaced with teary eyes. His voice was shaky as he shared that he had felt angry, scared and confused.

You might be thinking that my son should have some sort of consequence for this kind of behavior.

Clearly it’s not acceptable to just let this kind of thing slide. In that moment though, I didn’t talk to my son about consequences.

Not Using Consequences Doesn’t mean Your Child “Gets Away” with misbehaving.

Many parents believe it’s necessary to make children feel badly about their behaviors. That without consequences children can’t learn responsibility.

Dr.Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids, explains that we often think when we blame that we’re doing something positive—holding someone accountable, teaching responsibility. But when kids grow up in a household where blame is a way of life, they’re more defensive, more inclined to watch their back, and more inclined to blame and attack than to take responsibility.

Using Consequences to Change Behavior

How often do you use consequences with the well-meaning intent to teach responsibility?

Do you set consequences and follow through in the hopes of changing your child’s behavior for the better?

Do you want to encourage your child to understand mistakes, misbehavior and shortcomings?

If you think using consequences is always necessary, you are not alone.

Many parents believe that consequences are not just good but a necessary teaching tool.

Research on child development doesn’t really show that to be the case.

When children are misbehaving or struggling, positive interactions, ones based on trust and safety are what can help your child learn.

When children sense a parent is making an effort to understand them, instead of blame them, they are more likely to want to change their behavior.

Kindness and respect are not rewards for bad behavior, but necessary in order to create a strong connection with your child and encourage change.

My child had just openly admitted to hurting someone, so this approach can’t possibly be good right?

Well, positive parenting is not about finding the fastest tools for raising flawless kids. There is no single solution to misbehavior that makes children perfect. This approach keeps long-term parenting goals in mind.

As children grow, they make mistakes, misbehave, hurt, test limits and push boundaries.

This is exactly why children must have loving, respectful guidance so they can trust themselves to be capable of doing better and better.

On that day, feeling hurt and scared my son made a regrettable choice, but he also recognized it and came to me for guidance. Many children that experience punitive consequences don’t dare to speak up when they make mistakes.

Consequences might keep your child stuck misbehaving!

Traditional punishment and “discipline” techniques often focus on making a child feel badly about themselves.

A lecture about how hitting is wrong, grounding my son or taking away his screen time might tick off the boxes on a traditional approach to what happened that day.

What does your child truly learn by sitting all alone after being reprimanded for hitting a classmate?

  • Not using a computer for the afternoon can’t teach your child how to step away from a conflict.
  • Not watching TV does not teach self-regulation skills.
  • Skipping baseball practice doesn’t teach a child how to make amends for a mistake.

Doesn’t it make more sense to guide children towards solutions?

Dr. Haim Ginott explains in his book, Between Parent and Child that most of the time, consequences are punitive and keep a child feeling upset and resentful towards you.

Instead of thinking about how to solve a problem or change their behavior, your child now feels incapable and badly about themselves. 

If your child is feeling really badly about himself, it’s not likely they will start reflecting on better ways to behave. Instead they will simply think badly about themselves or try to get back at you.

While dealing with defiance or lack of cooperation is difficult, children most often misbehave when they are already feeling disconnected, bad, tired or overwhelmed.

On that day, my son already knew that what he did was wrong. He was so certain it was wrong, he made sure to tell me about it as soon as he saw me. There was no lying or hoping I would never find out. There was honesty and an attempt at taking responsibility for his actions.

After I listened to my son and offered him a hug he finally said “I shouldn’t have pushed mom…I shouldn’t have, but I did. I’m going to apologize tomorrow morning. Can I have some paper to write a note?”

Discipline that is effective helps your child find their way back to feeling well so they can behave well.

Effective discipline helps children learn to control their behavior.

consequences for misbehavior

Effective discipline helps children learn to control their behavior so that they act according to their ideas of what is right and wrong, not because they fear punishment.

For example, they are honest because they think it is wrong to be dishonest, not because they are afraid of getting caught. – Valya Telep, Child Development, Virginia State University

Replacing Consequences with Positive Discipline

  • Help your child feel safe coming to you, no matter what they have done.
  • Remember that growing up and behaving well takes practice and patience.
  • Set clear expectations and follow through with what you say.
  • Use discipline strategies that are respectful and that promote learning.
  • Substitute punishments with solutions that help your child feel and choose better.

Replacing consequences with respectful guidance is a process and it takes time.

Your child needs help, boundaries and clear expectations to know how and when to take responsibility for their actions.

If you are wondering how to substitute consequences, begin with the end in mind.

Model respect and kindness, offer guidance and take time to connect with your child each day.

Most of all trust that your child is ready and able to do better with your loving guidance

Peace & Be Well,

Ariadne

How to Reduce Attention Seeking Behavior In a Positive Way

How to Reduce Attention Seeking Behavior In a Positive Way

Why Choosing Positive Guidance over Punishment Helps Reduce Attention Seeking and Other Unhelpful Behaviors Children often seek attention in mistaken ways. When you offer guidance, you can help your child feel connected, understood and ready to make better choices. As children grow they become very skilled at figuring out really clever ways to get adults… Continue Reading

Toddler Misbehavior and Defiance Improves with Positive Discipline

Toddler Misbehavior and Defiance Improves with Positive Discipline

Inside: Defiance and misbehavior in the toddler years is very normal. Positive discipline makes it easier for you to stop unwanted behaviors and guide your toddler to behave in better ways.  Your misbehaving toddler might be giving you a headache or a hard time, but rest assured that toddler defiance is very normal.  Toddler defiance… Continue Reading

25 Questions That Get Kids to Talk About School

25 Questions That Get Kids to Talk About School

What are you looking forward to learning in school tomorrow/this month/this year? Talking to children about school gives us a really wonderful opportunity to discover how our children are doing, adjusting, learning and getting along with peers and teachers. So, has your child shared a special moment about school with you this year? Continue Reading

Positive Parenting Tips for Being A Happier Family

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Positive parenting can bring real joy into your home, improve cooperation and listening. There are many benefits to choosing a positive approach to parenting.  Several studies have shown that children feel safe and grow confident when parents treat them with respect and kindness (especially when correcting behaviors). These Ten Positive Parenting Tips can bring your… Continue Reading

Positive Parenting Tips for Easing Daily Transitions with Your Toddler

Positive Parenting Tips for Easing Daily Transitions with Your Toddler

Inside: How to Help Your Toddler Transition Well From One Activity to the Next without Tantrums It was time to close up playgroup, a classic toddler transition time that often ends up with one or more children crying. On this day it was no different. A little boy sat on a mini blue trike, holding… Continue Reading

Three Alternatives to Punishment That Help Your Child Do Better

Three Alternatives to Punishment That Help Your Child Do Better

Inside: Discover alternatives to punishment that help your child do better when they are misbehaving. When children are misbehaving, like using back talk, hitting a sibling or refusing to go to bed it might feel challenging to address the situation without resorting to punishments like time out, yelling or grounding. Children benefit from discipline and… Continue Reading

Tantrum and Anger Management Using A Calming Kit

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Help Your Misbehaving Child With These Brain Based and Effective Discipline Techniques

Help Your Misbehaving Child With These Brain Based and Effective Discipline Techniques

Discipline Your Misbehaving Child With Positive and Proven Strategies. Do you really want to spend the next several years with your child shouting, threatening, nagging and feeling exasperated day in and day out? Here are proven positive strategies to change behavior and help your child grow responsible and healthy. Continue Reading

Kids Routine Charts and Using Positive Discipline To Make them Work

Kids Routine Charts and Using Positive Discipline To Make them Work

Over the summer, my 9 year old daughter began having trouble falling asleep. “I just can’t sleep!!” she whined (and she really meant it.) After several weeks of trying to talk her out of her insomnia, I decided a new bedtime routine was in order. We brainstormed the steps, and decided to include a short… Continue Reading