Today is the 13th National Spank Out Day USA.
Welcome to the Spank Out Day 2012 CarnivalThis post was written for inclusion in the Second Annual Spank Out Day Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Spank Out Day was created by The Center for Effective Discipline to give attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on April 30th each year, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
Practically every professional organization in the U.S. and Canada that is concerned with education and proper development of children, has taken a public stance against the practice of spanking.
While I believe families have the right to choose how to parent their child, I don’t believe that humiliation, hurt and pain can be considered parenting or parenting tools. Children have the right to be treated with respect, dignity and a life free of violence. Spanking is disrespectful and has the potential to become abusive. Unfortunately, there are still some untruths about spanking that are being shared among parents and so-called experts.
If you are reading here, then you probably already know the value of a positive parenting relationship, but perhaps at times we all wonder, falter or need the words to back up our decisions.
Here are some thoughts on three common untruths of spanking:
- Untruth #1: Spanking, given with fairness, love and care, is an effective discipline technique.
Spanking hurts. No matter what, the intention of a spanking is for a child to feel pain. The flawed argument is that the pain will make them learn. If one does something with the intent to hurt someone, then it is not loving or caring. The root of the word “discipline” means “to teach”, not hurt or shame. Therefore spanking cannot be fair, loving or a caring technique. If an adult over-charged his credit card, even knowing they will not have enough money to pay for the charge at the end of the month (so deliberately doing something they know is not the best choice) and the bank manager came over to spank that adult so they finally learned to manage their finances, it would be called assault. Even if a child picks up a vase and smashes it down deliberately, it means the child is angry and upset, and needs someone to listen, empathize. The child needs to be taught how to handle anger and overwhelm. Spanking the child does not teach such skills.
- Untruth #2: Certain behaviors can only be managed with spanking.
Children of all ages make mistakes, behave in ways that baffle us and upset us. From throwing tantrums, to hitting, biting, kicking, lying and stealing, running into the street, there are positive alternatives for dealing with every possible scenario. A parent can choose positive discipline tools, gentle parenting strategies, working with a coach or health professional, taking a parenting course, reading parenting books and websites. If a parent has tried every type of discipline and the child is still not changing their behavior it would be best to ask help from a pediatrician or counselor for assistance.
- Untruth#3: Once children are old enough to understand “no,” they are old enough for a spanking.
Once a child is old enough to understand “no” they are also old enough to understand “yes”, “I love you”, “let’s try something else”, “please” and much more…In a positive atmosphere, children can learn the value of cooperation, empathy, natural consequences and problem solving, much more valuable life lessons than a sore behind and a hurt soul.
When parents turn to Spanking, they typically do so out of a combination of anger, frustration, tiredness, despair and/or fear.
So what are some alternatives to Spanking?
- Be pro-active: Create a safe environment and circumstances in which your child(ren) can succeed. Child-proof the home, encourage healthy sleep habits, provide ample opportunities for your child to play, explore and burn energy.
- Set routines: The more predictability for you and your child(ren) the better you can navigate your day and the daily grind.
- Set guidelines: Along with routines, children thrive within a frame of guidelines and limits. Most families choose non-negotiable limits such as “no hitting/hurting/teasing/bullying”. Additionally, families can design guidelines that align with their own values and needs.
- Adjust your expectations: Know what your child(ren) is capable of doing based on their age, developmental stage and individual abilities. Whatever the situation, adjusting your expectations will help reduce frustration for all.
- Encourage and Involve: Keep your children involved, let them participate in daily life with household tasks, welcome their ideas, encourage their participation in family decisions. Children need encouragement just as much as they need healthy meals, rest and hugs.
- Model the behavior you wish to see: Children learn so much from observation, the more you demonstrate how to do things (how to handle anger, how to share, how to be kind for example) the more a child will wish to do the same.
- Prepare and practice: When going somewhere that has certain expectations and rules, like an airplane, talking about and practicing those skills ahead of time helps children remember what they are expected to do.
- Take 2, 3 & 10: Much like a movie being filmed and needing several takes, we all need a second, third and possibly a tenth take to get things right. So go ahead, take a deep breath and allow your child to try again, and again and again.
- Questions & Choices: Giving choices, asking questions and inviting a child to participate in the decision making process can help everyone feel involved, respected and heard. Instead of commanding and demanding which leads to defensiveness and “defiance” aim for cooperation and involvement.
- Have family meetings: Set time aside every week to check in with the whole family, talk about what is going well and what could be done differently, then do something fun together. Learn more here.
11. When all else seems to be failing and you think you might strike?
Make sure everyone is in a safe place and/or ask someone to help you. Count to ten, twenty or one hundred, whatever number you need. Go into a room by yourself and release your emotions, cry, yell into a pillow, take deep breaths, do what you need to do until you are ready to deal with the situation at hand with a cool head.
You only get to live each phase of your child’s life, right there, in that moment, that one time.Being pro-active, involving your child and providing a safe environment in which they can thrive is the biggest gift you can give them.
Please share this to spread awareness about Spank Out Day! Together we can really make a difference in the lives of children everywhere.
Peace & Be Well,
Are you committed to parenting in a positive way? Have you taken the Positive Parenting Promise?
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On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #SpankOutCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Spank Out Day Carnival Twitter List and Spank Out Day Carnival Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- Redirecting the Impulse to Spank Amy W. shares at Natural Parents Network about her experience redirecting the impulse to spank, and encourages all parents to respond with sensitivity and redirect anger before it becomes harmful.
- Perspective is Everything Patti at Canadian Unschooler learns to heal from the trauma caused by the childhood death of her sister, and gains a deeper understanding of her own mother’s love for her as a child.
- Remembering and Recharging Emily at The Other Baby Blog shares how she refocuses her mindset during high-stress times.
- Does spanking work? Megan at TheBehavioralChild lists the five reasons why spanking doesn’t work.
- Love is All There Is: A Spank Out Day Post Tree at Mom Grooves shares her thoughts about needing to find a way to discipline her 5 year old that could give her daughter the boundaries she is craving while still treating her with only love and respect.
- Discipline isn’t SOmething You Do; Discipline is SOmething You Have Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children questions how parents can expect their children to show self-control if they, themselves, do not exhibit self-discipline.
- No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left? Sheila at A Living Family shares that though spanked as a child herself, she has made efforts towards an alternative approach to setting limits.
- Forgiveness is possible; loving others in a way that works for us Kelly Hogaboom finds that if we are to raise our children in a humane fashion, we must first recognize our own humanity.
- Dear Daniel, (On Discipline and Love) Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son about the many choices we have in life: how we treat people, how we parent, and how we use our bodies in the process.
- Spanking: A Day to Consider Our Muddy Boots recognizes that some see a difference between abuse and spanking, and maybe today is a day that we can consider some other perspectives and utilize available resources to make different choices.
- Mutual Respect Sithyogini at Very Nearly Hippy learns how mutual respect between parents and children leads to peaceful parenting.
- What Is the Difference Between Spanking and Abuse? You know what is difficult? Trying to explain the difference between spanking and abuse to a child. Dionna at Code Name: Mama can understand the confusion.
- I Hit My Kids and Now Begins The Real Work To Heal The Honesty Conspiracy hosts this powerful, anonymous story about how it’s never too late to start on a different approach to spanking.
- How To Talk To Parents About Gentle Alternatives To Spanking Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares some useful ways to discuss the often divisive issue of spanking.
- Spank Out Day: 3 Untruths and 11 Alternatives to Spanking MudpieMama at Positive Parenting Connection breaks down 3 of the biggest myths about spanking and shares a list of effective gentler discipline alternatives.
- What Spanking Taught Me Meg at MommyStoleTheSugar explains the spankee’s perspective and how it has affected her disciplining choices as a parent.
- A Memory of Spanking Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores her own upbringing and how it has affected her and why she is changing the way she relates to her children.