Inside: Discover alternatives to punishment that help your child do better when they are misbehaving.
When children are misbehaving, like using back talk, hitting a sibling or refusing to go to bed it might feel challenging to address the situation without resorting to punishments like time out, yelling or grounding.
Children benefit from discipline and guidance.
While children need your help to learn right from wrong, and what you expect, children do not learn from experiences that involve pain or shame.
When your child misbehaves being willing to help them find their way back to more positive behaviors is much more effective than punishment.
Making Discipline Punishment Free and Effective
Positive discipline helps children change their behavior while at the same time teaching them to do better.
Positive Discipline Helps Children Thrive
Discipline that teaches and helps a child feel capable and responsible is what really helps a child change unhelpful behaviors into positive choices. With a positive approach to parenting, punishments do not need to be a part of your discipline strategy.
Punishments do not solve misbehavior in the long run.
Using punishments for misbehavior creates more conflict and disconnection between you and your child.
Research shows that warm and attentive parenting is more likely to lead children to become responsible, resilient, moral citizens, with emotional accountability. Punishment on the other hand is more closely linked to aggression and social adjustment difficulties. (Talwar, Carlson & Lee, Social Development, 26 July 2011).
When children receive guidance with empathy, unconditional love, and feel involved in problem solving they live and learn what it means to be responsible and respectful.
Authoritative parents, those that are loving, kind yet clear with their guidance grow children that are resilient and capable.
So if not punishment, then what do you do to help a misbehaving child?
While there are many parenting tools, alternatives to punishment as ways to help children learn “consequences” of their actions that are effective.
Here are three alternatives to punishment to bring more effective discipline into your home.
1. Set Limits:
Children need limits that are set in a kind and clear way.
Make limits consistent and clear.
It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible but it does mean you need to be accountable for your decisions as a parent.
When you set a limit, no matter what the limit is, it’s important that you keep your limits even if your child becomes upset.
It’s normal and acceptable for children to become frustrated with limits.
So long as your limits are being set with the intention of keeping your child safe, you can kindly and firmly make sure that limit is respected.
Some common limits that many families choose to set are related to bed time, nutrition, screen time, media exposure and personal safety.
Keeping set bedtime routines for example can help ensure your child has plenty of rest which is very important for proper development.
Limit setting is a great tool because each family can decide how their own values will guide and influence limit setting.
See more on setting limits when children become upset.
More on setting limits in a respectful way that helps children cooperate
2. Create a Safe home:
Young children need to play, learn and explore to grow well. It’s very normal for children of all ages to want to tinker, explore, climb, move and wiggle.
Being pro-active about making your house a safe space can reduce misunderstandings and misbehavior.
Here is an example: If your sofa is not for jumping make this clear by setting limits but also provide alternatives for your child to be able to move and get energy out.
Lock up valuables, breakables and dangerous substances and provide adequate supervision.
Take time to teach your child what they can and can’t do is always a good idea and also creates safety.
Jane Nelsen D.Ed., author of the Positive Discipline Series encourages parents to keep making time for teaching children, even when it seems like it is not working.
Children may resist and test limits, or simply need more time to learn.
Taking time to teach your child is much more effective than lectures or punishments.
Safety is learned through positive experiences that show your child what they are allowed to do.
Emotional Safety matters too
The other part of creating a safe home is providing emotional safety. Love and security goes a long way towards preventing misbehavior.
Children must feel safe even when they are acting out and feeling overwhelmed.
Your child might say hurtful or innapropriate things to you.
They may lash out in anger or frustration and meltdown in tears.
That is normal behavior for a growing child.
When you help your child feel safe by accepting emotions, showing empathy, and giving unconditional love, your child will learn they can count on you for help.
See more on helping children with tantrums
See more on emotional intelligence
3. Connect and then Correct:
When you observe your child about to do something unacceptable or if you dislike a certain behavior start your discipline process by proactively connecting with your child. Connecting first is not a reward for misbehavior but a bridge towards safety and teaching.
If you can relate to your child’s situation, stop something before it starts or engage with your child in his play you make a real difference to how the situation will continue.
Connecting before correcting can de-escalate many would have been power struggles and tear filled moments.
Instead of yelling, threatening or issue warnings, get close, stay curious, be confident, calm and clear.
Let’s Translate these three ideas into Real Life
Here is an example from when my son was having a hard time transitioning from play time to bed time and a bit of back talk was showing up:
In the evening, after playing a game it is time for getting ready to sleep.
Mom: That was a fun game, I enjoyed playing with you.
Five year old:Mom, I want to play another round of twister.
Mom: Oh, you really like this game.(connecting) I see that, it is really fun. Since it’s 7 o´clock, the answer is: you can play again tomorrow,now it`s time to get ready for bed. (States limit)
Five year old: You are no fun mom. I´m going to throw the game in the trash now.
Mom: I can see you are upset (keeping it safe, no accusations or yelling about the trash threat) I bet you really would like to play more, I believe you. Bed time sure came fast tonight. (reassurance, empathy). You may not throw the game. (Limit)
Boy: Please, just another round!
Mom: 7 pm means time to get ready for bed. . (restating limit, firmly) We can play a tooth brushing game if you would like. (keeping it fun and positive to connect)
The game was put away and the evening routine went on as planned.
Instead of punishing, aim to guide. Strive to take the time to show your child a better way to behave.
Keep in mind that effective discipline is not about making your child feel badly, but about giving your child guidance and a chance to do better.
Sometimes discipline is a difficult, stressful and unclear process. That is absolutely normal. Your child isn’t perfect and doesn’t need you to be perfect either.
Be willing to show up consistently and show your child that you care. This is what makes a difference in the long run.
The secret of parenting is not in what a parent does but rather who the parent is to a child. – Gordon Neufeld
There may be many moments when question if positive parenting can work. The more you strive to guide your child in a kind and clear way, the more you will see just how kind, bright and responsible your child really can be. Taking a positive, guidance approach to discipline is absolutely worthwhile.
Peace & Be Well,
Ariadne
Ariadne Brill
Nice post. After reading this, I realize that I don’t “punish.” We don’t do time outs, withhold food or activities, or spank, or any traditional punishments. Instead we have a conversation about what is expected or appropriate and talk about how we’re going to get to that behavior in a similar vein to what you’ve described here.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay for this article!! Thank you for the great demonstration. I was just wondering…if I’m not punishing, what will I do? Thank you so much.
Very impressed with this, positive parenting defo the way to go
Chrissy, that is wonderful to hear! Talking it out, even if after the fact when everyone is calm is a fantastic alternative!
Kimberly, yes that is the big question from many parents. There are some lovely resources out there, like the positive discipline series and also the other blog I co-author, authentic parenting, and aha!parenting with wonderful examples! Thank you for your lovely comment.
Yes! It works 🙂 thank you for stopping by!
What about when this doesnt work tho? i think that is the model that majority of parents would be hoping to achieve anyway, to not have to punish, but when the child, for example, refuses to put down the console, runs and hides with it and plays up what do you suggest?
Roisin, It sure can be frustrating sometimes. All three things apply here to your question, if you have set limits in your home as to how long your child can play with his video game, perhaps setting a timer when play time starts, using reminders 5 minutes before time is up so your child is not caught off guard when time is up and then lastly connecting with your son, not just before transitioning onto the next activity but also engaging him, perhaps asking him to show you how his game works or agreeing before he starts what he will do when his time is up will help you stay connected and with time, patience and practice it can be a very different experience. i hope that is helpful. thank you for your thoughts!
I don’t agree with the examples you give as limits, I think kids can easily regulate themselves when it comes to bedtime and food, as long as they’re trusted and offered choices.
That doesn’t mean we don’t have limits, but they are few and not arbitrary. (I think we can categorize them under: hurting yourself or others and damaging other people’s belongings)
Laura, I totally appreciate your point of view on this. In trying to examplify limits you are correct, talking about not hurting self and others are very important limits to set. For some families, having set bed times can be important, notice I did not say when they must sleep but that they get enough rest, whatever that maybe for each child/family they can decide. Many children start “misbehaving” when they are tired, along the lines of your recent post with underlying issues to behavior, tiredness is certainly a trigger for some.
I think families need to choose limits that work within their scope of needs, comfort, values in order to set their children up to feel capable and encouraged, for some that might be having screen time limit, no junk food limits, for others it maybe like you said just the very few limits surrounding safety. thank you for your input!
Lovely post. It works when kids are calm. What do you do when they lose it and tantrum? Life keeps moving and most times i cant wait till she is calm. Took her an hour of throwing things, hitting me, crying , screaming before she calmed down. When she was calm, her “punIshment” was to cleanup. In the future, won’t phrase picking up the stuff she threw as “punishment”.
aw yes, dealing with a full blown tantrum can be difficult, still trying to connect and setting limits and staying safe will still work here, just with lots and lots of patience. For instance you can say, “I can see you are very mad but hitting me is not OK” for safety “maybe you need time tocool down, lets talk when we are both ready.” you can then stay close by for safety but need not do anything to fix or confront until the storm has passed. it takes a lot of practice, trial and error and that is ok too. cleaning up whatever mess your daughter made (granted i don’t know her age, so she might need help) is fine, i would encourage you to be positive about it and like you already decided not phrase as punishment. hope that helps!
For the most part, I feel as though I practice this. But this past week, this one child in my classroom has had disruptive behavior that included hitting, throwing things and screaming. He followed me around during quiet rest time as it is clear he was trying to get me to lash out but I let him “do his thing” and then after an hour he fell asleep. I thought he was sleepy and maybe mom’s new work schedule was an issue but his behavior has been off and on all week and some of the kids have heightened their disruptive behavior as well. In response to it, we worked to brainstorm the rules of the classroom and had the three year old class “sign it” by decorating it and then I did bring in bubbles for those who were making good choices, which I did say was going to happen the day before. If I have a class of eleven where my lesson is being slowed down and there is only one teacher, what should I be doing to remedy this situation? I do take away “special” activities as an option for those who are having a hard time. Is there another option?
hi Ashley, you seem to have lovely classes and parties going on – what fun to have turned your passion into a thriving business! As far as the the disruptive child, it seems like you handled it just fine under the circumstances, it does sound like this child is discouraged or having a hard time adjusting to his new environment, you do not specify how long you have cared for this child but at 3 yrs it’s hard to expect a child not to have difficult moments, like you said of tiredness, crankiness, there is usually an underlying need the child is experiencing, in this case it sounds like he was tired. I find it very effective when a child is disruptive to either involve them more – giving them a specific job like holding an object for you, or offering them an alternative like sitting in a cozy corner with a board book or a quiet toy, but phrased as an option not a command. Positive discipline doesn’t encourage taking away priviledges like a special activity esp. not so young, but if they are so disruptive that you need to change your plans, you can just say that, we are doing something different, or trying something new…try not to phrase it as taking something away. with eleven three year olds it will be tough to follow a lesson plan exactly like you want as their attention and needs will shift but not impossible, just try to stay flexible, and keep doing what you are doing, it sounds like you really enjoy your work! Positive Discipline in the classroom is a good resource as is positive discipline for preschoolers! thank you for stopping by I hope this helps a bit.
Thank you for your support! It’s a lot that I’m taking on right now and all very new but I’m especially excited. I’m always looking for ways to get better, which is why I came to your site for more insight. And thank you, I especially like the idea of offering tasks to do as a “special helper,” I think they’ll take to that really well. I tried the offering puzzles and books to the boy in my initial post, but the fact of the matter is that he was following me and was probably looking for my attention. And I did sit him in my lap for a while (which seemed to calm him down) but unfortunately had other obligations for the classroom that prevented me from stopping everything to just sit with him. I wondered what would have happened if I did stay with him a bit longer in that specific situation during quiet rest time…anyway, thanks again, I’m sure your advice will work.
Thanks for the support. Had another rough morning and feeling so depressed that I don’t even want to interact with her. Started reading through your site again and finding the strength to carry on.
Hang in there JO, nothing wrong with taking a break. If you have a chance try doing something for yourself, even if its just a 10 minute shower.
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One of the things that has worked well with my kids and also with my students when I was teaching was to shift the responsibility for the action to the child. Giving them specific options will help, such as “Which would you like to do first, put on your PJ’s or brush your teeth?” They feel that they still have some control but you are limiting their options.
What to do if your child is toooo hyper….he cant sits even for a minute…he dont eat by himself and even took so long to chew a byte….i tried so many times to be patience but loose it at the end afterall cz of the irritation he creates to me always….i really tried hard not to be harsh but in vain…:(
Yes, giving choices is a wonderful option! Thank you for sharing that thought!
Mrs. Ray, I understand it can be very challenging to deal with an active child. I would encourage you to seek ways for the child to burn off some energy like playing outdoors, having a lot of physical activity like climbing, playing, running can only help. Also find ways to get a break for yourself, do something that helps YOU feel good. hope that helps a bit.
[…] If not punishment, Then what? The Debate on Spanking is Dead By James C. Talbot […]
I really love your blog and your facebook page. And I totally agree that we *can* parent without punishments – in fact I believe it is the best way for kids and for family relationships.
I am reluctant to share this article because of the language though. I have a feeling it is more semantics than anything and that we probably practice things similarly but I think that some of this can be misinterpreted – especially the first idea of setting limits. I think “limits” are so entrenched in our current culture’s parenting paradigm that it will be difficult to keep this language and make a huge shift to not punishing at the same time. Most people associate limits with rules and breaking them with punishment.
Also I’m not sure I agree that children “need” limits. My kids don’t have a set bedtime and are thriving. Is is always easy on my husband and I? No. But I’ve yet to find a parent who doesn’t have some challenges with bedtime. It makes more sense to me to extend partnership to all aspects of life – seems much more respectful. From what I’ve seen children are quite good at finding their own healthy limits with parental support.
Hi Susan,
First, thank you for the lovely compliments! I appreciate your points – the idea of limits though is really for parents that are trying to shift from that total control and obedience mind set to more of a positive sense that there are times when saying no will be appropriate – for example, hurting someone, throwing something across the room and so on. Each family can learn what limits they are comfortable but NO limits at all is permissive parenting which is detrimental (not just my personal opinion but research shows this as well and just about all the positive discipline/positive parenting literature will support this too) – much like you said – the parental support and guidance has to be there otherwise young children really can become anxious and a bit lost having no structure at all.
Some parents are comfortable with no set bed times, other children wake up far too cranky and tired so helping them to transition to bed by a certain time keeps the whole family in a much healthier and cooperative state. I know families that don’t limit screen time at all and others that have reached a compromise with all of those things. The whole idea of this post was to bring to light that shifting perspectives from control, obedience and punishment to cooperation, respect and well a host of other positive ingredients is not only possible but it truly can help families thrive.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts – punitive vs non punitive parenting can be tricky to discuss!
How do you suggest altering this for toddlers that don’t quite understand? Most of the time they are frustrated because they cannot communicate their wants/needs. If this method isn’t working in a particular instance, what do you do AFTER they have already hit or otherwise acted out?
Kami,
That is a great question. The approach I find works best with toddlers is to try to stay calm, and kindly explain the behavior they have shown is not alright. Short phrases without and loaded emotions seem to work best.
“You may not bite your friend. Biting hurts.” OR
“You seem very mad. Hitting is not ok. Do you need something?”
Or “Biting is not ok. Let’s take a minute together to cool off”
For many toddlers, crying after they hit or bite is common because this is how they are getting their emotions out – that’s the hard part for us parents to stay calm and let them ride out the storm but it’s really important to be there for them, just being supportive and present. I listed 11 alternatives to time outs here just for toddlers.
Biting and hitting are a normal part of early childhood and although many parents feel ashamed or embarrassed by this particular behavior, for children it is really just like learning to drink from an open cup, holding a spoon or riding a bicycle…it takes a bit of time, love and lots of patience.
Hope that helps.
So what when this doesn’t work? Or results in a complete meltdown because your strong willed child doesn’t care about the “tooth brush game” and just starts screaming? These ideas are well and good and I try to implement them as much as possible, but what do you do when it ALL fails? Seriously? I’m looking for an alternative to time outs and spanking, but there gets a point, sometimes, where no matter what I try in the positive, patient vein that nothing, absolutely nothing gets us to the same end result.
Mari, every child and family situation is unique. I’m not sure the age of your child, that being said, if you are finding yourself locked into power struggles, perhaps finding ways that invite your child to cooperate and make choices in his daily routines, give him responsibility and look at the time you spend together as a chance to connect and really understand each other can all be very helpful. If you need to say NO when you mean it, by all means, set those limits and say no, and then support your child in the disappointment, it may mean that he needs to cry and you can empathize “I know you don’t want to brush teeth. i care about your health, brushing keeps you healthy.” giving choices “which do you want to do first, brush teeth or put on pajamas. YOU decide.” Also introducing a bed time chart with pictures to follow along can be helpful. I highly recommend the book Positive Discipline A-Z it has excellent ideas that are very specific and it’s divided by topics so not something you have to read cover to cover to benefit from.
Your comments are helpful for trying to encourage children to do something they don’t want to do. This has been great for homework situations with my son or enforcing bed times. But do you have any advice on how to stop children behaving in a certain way e.g. mine (age 5 and 8) will not stop misbehaving at meal times, (kicking eachother under the table, flicking food, squirting drinks at eachother, etc.) I don’t think I have had a meal without having to say at least 10 times to ‘stop it’. It is not always convenient to have a time out as we are in a rush to get to school or do homework. I used to do time outs but the behaviour has not improved so am looking for alternatives. Also, how can I stop them fighting and bating eachother all the time? And to listen to me when I say ‘stop!’
A question: My five year old son has taken to telling me “You’re being RUDE” when I tell him that he can not have or do something he is asking for. I am trying to be consistent with remaining calm and trying to have a conversation with him about why these limits are being imposed. BUT – I am finding that he is still getting frustrated and telling me I’m being rude OR he uses his fists to “air” hit me… Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Rhea, it sounds like your son may be frustrated or annoyed with whatever limits he doesn’t agree with, this is pretty typical for a 5 year old (can be quite the button pushing behavior for us parents!) Sometimes all we can do if we know a limit is needed is to set it, hold it and accept the frustration (let them cry or pout for a bit and not insist they stop). Basically, sometimes it’s helpful to simply trust that the child is capable of feeling that frustration and then overcoming it. Empathizing while being firm can help “I can hear this is NOT what you wanted me to say. I get that this makes you upset AND its my final decision” for many 4,5,6 year olds this is going to mean tears or anger. “You think I am being rude, I hear you, you still can’t have X and my decision has been made.” “I bet this is upsetting to you. I believe it’s not what you wanted to hear” It can also be very helpful to offer alternatives within your limits when possible “You can’t watch any more TV but we can read a book together when you are ready for bed” for example is a positive and flexible way to set a limit. hope that helps you!
Hello and good morning! I fully understand the difference between punishment and discipline. I have 4 children and I have activlty tried to learn new and creative ways of dealing with unruly attitudes. My oldest daughter is almost 12 and actively tries defying most everything I ask of her. She is dealing groundation right now due to her coming home from a friend’s house 48 minutes late which ment she had 12 minutes to bed ready and in bed. It was a purposeful choice she made. I did talk to her friend’s mother about what happened. Well…..we were trying to keep the groundation to fit the “crime” but her behavior and attitude towards me has caused other complications now. So extra chores, no tv or video games, no phone privileges, and no tablet use. She decided that her room needed to be cleaned and she acted as if she was actively cleaning it for a couple hours. She had been coming out to eat, drink and give me updates on how well she was doing and how much organization she got done. I felt so proud and when she came down and said she was done, I trusted her and did not go check her work like we would normally. She told me the awesome job she did and how she is happy with herself about it. That was two days ago. I went up there this morning to wake her up for school and when I opened the door I was hurt and disappointed. She did not clean anything in her room. It was worse! I told her to get up and get ready for school. When she was ready for school I explained to her that I am really broken hearted and hurt because of the elaborate lies she told me for how ever long she was “cleaning her room”. These kind of elaborate lies and and behavior is becoming more and more. I really dont know what to do anymore. If anyone could give me any ideas I would appreciate the help. Thank you
Hi Jenni,
most often at this age, children lie because they fear negative consequences, disapointing a parent or getting a worse punishment then before. The lies and negative consequences feed a cycle of lack of trust and lack of cooperation. Why do you think your daughter said she was cleaning her room? Is it what you wanted to hear or what she wanted to do? Do you find time to talk to your daughter at times that are not centered around checking her room, the time she arrives and so on? Of course parents should help their children be responsible and it’s good to have clear expectations, but how can you move away from the negative interactions into positive ones? Most parents find much success better connecting with their child when they use connected, positive interactions “Oh i thought you were excited about cleaning your room, I notice it’s not quite as organized as I had imagined it would be. Do you need a hand with any of this? I could organize with you if you would like?” and “I noticed you are 48 minutes late. I don’t appreciate that. The next time you go to your friends house, I expect you to call me to say you are late. If you can’t do that, then let me know so we can review our families expectations.” This opens the door for dialogue. Switching away from negative, grounding, priveldge removal system comes with bumps in the road, but it is possible. It takes time to rebuilt trust, connection and a mindset of working together. I hope this is helpful to you for reflection. One excellent book is “Out of Control, Why Discipline does not Work and What Will” highly reccomend it.
Hi Jenni,
most often at this age, children lie because they fear negative consequences, disapointing a parent or getting a worse punishment then before. The lies and negative consequences feed a cycle of lack of trust and lack of cooperation. Why do you think your daughter said she was cleaning her room? Is it what you wanted to hear or what she wanted to do? Do you find time to talk to your daughter at times that are not centered around checking her room, the time she arrives and so on? Of course parents should help their children be responsible and it’s good to have clear expectations, but how can you move away from the negative interactions into positive ones? Most parents find much success better connecting with their child when they use connected, positive interactions “Oh i thought you were excited about cleaning your room, I notice it’s not quite as organized as I had imagined it would be. Do you need a hand with any of this? I could organize with you if you would like?” and “I noticed you are 48 minutes late. I don’t appreciate that. The next time you go to your friends house, I expect you to call me to say you are late. If you can’t do that, then let me know so we can review our families expectations.” This opens the door for dialogue. Switching away from negative, grounding, priveldge removal system comes with bumps in the road, but it is possible. It takes time to rebuilt trust, connection and a mindset of working together. I hope this is helpful to you for reflection. One excellent book is “Out of Control, Why Discipline does not Work and What Will” highly reccomend it.
Maybe a little more insite could be useful. I have an almost 12 year old, a 6 year old. Who are both very hyper at all times. The 12 is adhd and has some depression issues. A autistic almost 4 year old and an almost 2 year old who has multiple severe allergies. Dad is rarely able to have family time due to his work schedule. Leaves at 2pm and is getting back home at midnight. During summer he has mandatory 6 days a week. And on sunday its family time, home fix it to do list and the property do to list that I am unable to do. We are a very active family at all times. I believe that helping to take care of your siblings teaches unconditional love, helps in learning the importance of family togetherness, keeps sibling knowing that they are there for eachother and that we all need eachother. In February of this year we moved into a new farm house on a lot of land. I attempted a garden without realizing that the kids have never been able to experience this wonderful way of life and it was an extreme power struggle to obtain any help in the garden from those who are able to. Moving to a new home also ment starting a new school. Luckly both of the oldest made a lot of new friends. My oldest has a hard time with new people and has a even harder time having good friends. She has been enjoying the new world of good friends and sleep overs. Although she only has certain friends come to our house because she is so protective of her brother that if people ask questions or make comments she has very strong reactions(we have been working on that) anyway she prefers to go to her friends house to keep her tensions low. Which I understand and I am very supportive of. Although over the summer she has been learning that when she is at someone else’s house I want to call and check in with me and be home at the talked about time if possible. If the time doesn’t work for the parents of the friend then just call and let me know. I will do worry. There has been some tragic events that lead up to the constant worry. And if ever I am out of the house basically the roles are switched and if im not calling her to check in she is calling me. She has never been grounded until this last time. It was a no call, no show, no answer situation. When she came home we talked about why I became upset about the situation and she decided what we should do. She said that maybe she has been spending to much time at her friends house and she thought maybe thats why she wasnt worried about mom being worried or that when we set a time its for good reason. She basically said she didnt care that day. Which I think is stress related do to the new and scary stressors with little brother. Last night we sat down and talked about why she lied about cleaning her room. She said she was upset that day because of things with brother and kids at school. So we have decided to do more talking about why we are stressed and the things bothering us. We decided we will have more art projects and music to help us relax more. I have always read books on positive parenting and discipline. I have read positive discipline a-z. They are on the book shelf. One of my favorites that I recommend is one called Raising a Thinking Child. Validation and use of certain words makes more of a difference than people realize. And I have been practicing positive parenting and positive discipline for almost 12 years now, but with the way life goes sometimes its hard to always be positive. Life and parenting will always be a learning process and as long as your willing you will always be able to grow.
Just to make things clear from my last two posts. If I am ever out of the house it is when dad is home. And she is no longer grounded. Also I had talked about which privileges she lost and she lost those because of her reaction when I tried talking to her about when she came home late. I have always let her help decide her consequences. We together decided what privileges should be removed. After talking last night, she got all privileges back, although she decided some of them she only wants on the weekend because she feels she isnt spending enough time on the things that are most important to her. She has hobbies and she feels the electronics take away too much time. She is a very strong willed child with really strong morals and values. Her family is the most important in her eyes. I agree, although I make sure she gets her own time. She has always been a little mother hen, even to all the little critters we have and she finds.( ducks, a bunny, and a baby bird with a broken wing this summer)
Thank you for this fantastic article. I find it really helpful when there are real-life examples to help put the concepts into a practical application.
I’ve shared this post on my blog as I think it will be helpful to parents worldwide.
Hey!
I have a two and a half year old. She gets frustrated immediately when things don’t go or are done her way. So much that I cannot talk to her and say these things because she simply yanks herself and screams so loud I cannot hear myself even.
Lately, if we are out of the house, I will hold her in my arms and try to talk to her, for a few seconds, then telling her louder “I know you’re upset but you need to stop screaming.” It doesn’t get us anywhere until I give in to saying, very firmly but without screaming, “I will count to five and if you do not calm down we will leave the playground and go home” and start counting firmly to five. She calms down by the time I reach 5 and says “I don’t wanna go, I wanna stay”. I then tell her “ok let’s take a few deep breaths” we breathe together. “I know you are upset because you really like Valerie’s toy, but you have had your turn with it and now it’s her turn, and it is not your toy, so you shouldn’t say *It’s my toy* because it isn’t. It is Valerie’s toy, she let you play with it and now it’s her turn until yours comes again.”
I don’t know if this is the best way to go about it.
Any thoughts about this?
Thanks!
Mumsel in distress 😛
Really? We have to connect AND correct THREE times (or more) before the message comes across? And what happens if the child continues to argue for another game, another book, a glass of milk etc etc? Do we continue this back and forth back and forth dialogue trying to get it to sink in that our say is final?
I say no.
If I’ve laid down the rules BEFORE the game (they’ve been told once)
“Just 2 games of then it’s bedtime”
…then they request more time afterward, I confirm my pre-game rule (they’ve now been told twice)
“I know it was fun and we can play again tomorrow. As I said before the game, it was two rounds, then time for bed”.
If they argue again (no more pfaffy Mum, it’s time to be more firm)
“I’ve given you my answer and that’s not going to change. If you continue to argue with me, we will not be playing again tomorrow”.
Evelyn
It’s perfectly already to set a limit or to be firm with an answer. It’s also important to know that children may protest and be upset about it. Instead of taking away the game playing from the next day, I would see the next day as another opportunity to play and practice stopping again. Nobody likes to have to stop doing something fun, and yet, we can all learn to stop fun things with practice. “I know you want to play more, I love you and tomorrow we can play again.” Child cries, we empathize, hold the limit and everyone can move forward. If you are willing to see this as practicing emotional flexibility then the need to punish goes away. Children need opportunities to learn, punishment takes that away. Sometimes it’s hard and inconvinient to listen to our children being upset, but they do need our support in those moments to grow well and resilient.
In the example given I feel the child didn’t really keep on with the night because he understood it is bed time but bcause another game was offered.
Hi. I’m sorry, but I’ve found that nothing, NOTHING works for me and my boys (ages 3 and 5). I love them unconditionally and they are very loving, good hearted boys but they are crazy. They never stop. Ever. They yell, go crazy, grab everything at the store, font give a hoot what I say or how many times I put them in time out, yell, take all their toys and put them away, take tv away, etc. They don’t care. And, yes…I’ve tried your method, ie talking calmly, explaining the importance of their behavior, and what it means to have rules, etc. In one ear and out the other. My 5 yo is in school now and my 3 yo is fine by himself, but as soon as they are together it’s just chaos. Most of the time I can’t get them to stop being crazy long enough to sit them down and talk to them like you suggest. I will try for like 5 mins to get their undivided attention but it takes yelling to finally get them to stop and listen. And then when I’m done and get s “yes, mommy” or an apology out of them they are back to their disruptive behavior within minutes. I don’t know what to do at this point.
Brittney,
When children are having a hard time following expectations and rules it is often because these aren’t clear and consistent. Clearly you care a great deal about your children and you are trying to do right by them. From what you shared, I am reminded of another family that kept falling into what I call the flip-flop trap – being nice and then yelling / punishing because limits just get trampled on. Many, many parents get trapped into the flip-flop trap. The willingness to love unconditionally and a lack of limits and boundaries that are set clearly and calmly means children aren’t sure what they really CAN do. With a 3 and 5 year old, explanations should be short and sweet and preferably include a CAN DO action and physical touch that is kind. Hand on the child’s hand, eye contact and saying “Johnny the sofa is for sitting.” works better than “darling, mommy doesn’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want you to fall or rip the sofa, it would make a boo-boo and you wouldn’t like that. Please stop jumping okay? Did you hear me, please stop jumping or you will go to time out….” The second version is well meaning but it’s just too much information and not direct enough. Pre-schoolers need 15 to 25 seconds to process our requests…So Short and Sweet. Kind and Clear…. Other things to consider is how much outdoor time and time to really release alll the energy 3 and 5 year olds have. Parent coaching or working with a local parenting educator could be helpful if you would like more resources. 3 and 5 is a super fun age…but as you can see very energy rich and at times tiring. Hang in there!!
I’m struggling because my 5 year old is very angry all the time. She wakes up that way. Today we were playing dominoes. I gave her the directions 3 times. She didn’t pay attention and did it wrong. When I said “we match them like this” she said “you should have given me the directions!” And threw the dominoes off the table. “I did. 3 times. You should listen this time”. Then she screamed “don’t be rude. You are being rude” and slapped me in the face and spit on me. It took all my strength not to yell. I have never hit my child or spanked. I barely kept it together sending her to her room, but I knew if I didn’t she would start punching her brother for making noise or something. Her brother is 2. I try hard not to yell. I slip up sometimes. Especially since even getting her to start doing homeschool is 6-8 hours of arguing about doing homeschool, resulting in a 8am start time turning into a 3pm start time. Cutting into my work time which gets pushed to starting at 10pm-2am then. I don’t have time for more than one meal a day (800 calories a day and I’m losing weight) because I have to referee her making sure she doesn’t injure her brother. I get a shower once a week maybe And as a result have had infections removed in hospital. And around we go. I’m exhausted and honestly don’t want to be her parent anymore. Someone else would have more patience.
Hello Katrina, thank you for sharing your experiences and struggles. Five year olds thrive when boundaries are clear and they have a secure sense of who to follow. It seems like from what you are sharing that your personal boundaries are not being respected. Parenting in the early years is difficult for sure, and while you feel burnt out, I bet you love your child very much. Making time for self care is a must for the well-being of your whole family. From what you share, it sounds like the child is trying to determine everything (when to do school work for example) and while it can be wise to involve children in the decision making process – it is not healthy for children to be the key decision makers in the family. Small, limited choices are fine – big decisions are always made by parents. The aggression you describe sounds like a reaction related to discouragement and stress. Games can be very fun, sometimes children need space to make mistakes, I would guess your intention in saying “you should listen” is out of concern and desire to play the game correctly, but the child might have lived this moment as a big frustration – what do you think happens if in such a situation you say “oops that’s not the way I explained the game, want me to tell you again?” or even take the opportunity to play without the rules and simply create together and laugh? Maybe your child needs to release some stress around these daily power struggles you have described – laughter can be very helpful in that. Additionally, I would strongly encourage you to explore the reasons boundaries are getting crossed (are you uncomfortable when your child experiences frustration or disappointments?) and work on being kind and firm at the same time. Kind and firm means you are respectful and kind to the needs of the whole family, without being afraid to set necessary boundaries. You can read more about setting limits and keeping them here. I hope this is helpful to you.
Jo, I know this post is many years old now, but I’m glad you brought it up because this is something with which my wife and I are currently struggling. Our 8-year old girl’s tantrums are impressive and involve lots of throwing and hitting and general civil disobedience. We’re definitely on board with an alternate to traditional punishment and consequences, but we’ve not quite figured out how to implement some of the techniques in this article as they relate to tantruming. Once she rejects the current bedtime routine, for example, she screams “no” to every request we make and then throws anything nearby. This can drag on for an hour or more even as we’re encouraging her to make better choices and assuring her that we know she can do it. We agree that traditional punishment doesn’t work, but we’re not having much luck with the connected parenting techniques just yet.
Hi Michael,
We have some helpful information on helping kids with tantrums here: http://positiveparentingconnection.net/big-kid-tantrums/
Another post that may be helpful: http://positiveparentingconnection.net/parenting-stubborn-determined-young-children/
It sounds like your daughter may be experiencing challenges with flexibility and frustration tolerance – this can peak at age 8-10 years and lead to quite a bit of “over” reacting as you are noticing with throwing and screaming. If you feel like you are walking on egg shells any time you must set a limit or make a decision this is a big sign of this inflexibility showing up. Getting some personalized coaching with a counselor or parent coach that has experience in this can make a big difference – children that seem “explosive” or tantrum for little reasons need help to develop the skills of coping with changes and learning to navigate frustration. If you need more information you can email me info@positiveparentingconnection.net
Saying no to your kids is a healthy thing. But sometimes it is the hardest thing a parent has to do. To set limits for your kids is difficult. But the best way of parenting is the one that involves both warmth and limitations. Parents always want to do best for their children and want to provide them with everything they can. Saying no to their kids can be wearisome for the parents. Some parents give in to their children’s wishes to avoid an argument while others feel bad for disappointing their kids. But saying no is an important responsibility of the parents and is an important part in the upbringing of the children. Your kids may dislike for a certain time for saying no but in the long run this will teach them important lessons about getting along in life.What is an assertive parent?
I would love this in a printable form so that I can keep it handy to help me in those difficult moments.